'Irritant Of The Year...!!!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have now come to the last category of the "Annual MeghnaSays... 2015 Awards Gala". We made it, we are finally here. 

This is a very novel category and I don't think I am any shy of words about how I feel for this award's winner.

For the nominations for this category, we have special terrestrial guests who are very very close to the realm of our everyday existence. They excel in bugging the wits out of you, in irritating you beyond your normal tolerance levels and in adding way more challenge to an already demanding life. Each one outshines and outperforms. But the winner takes it all away!

The outstanding nominees for this category are:

1. Ants

2. Mosquitoes.

3. Pigeons.

Ants - They are omnipresent and omnivorous, especially in my house.  They seem to have this gift of God of becoming 0 to 100 in 3 seconds (Watch out Elon Musk! Tesla has competition now!) I fail to understand where in their nano anatomy did God Almighty place a nose so deft!

Technically, they are supposed to swarm the sweet things, so I understand that they also feel hungry, and when sublunary creatures like us humans forget to put our sweets in the refrigerator or in air tight containers, they are supposed to conquer them. 

But what about chilly powder? Or green tea leaves? Or oats? Or ginger? Or boiled vegetables? Or Vinegar? Or detergent soap? Is there a gastronomy class these ants are attending where they are burning the midnight oil (also stolen from my Kitchen) to hone their culinary skills so that very soon they can may be open a restaurant? Or win the "Masterchef Ants In The Anthill" title? Only that could explain their dire need for detergents to wash their microscopic spoiled aprons. 

I have wasted hours of my precious life trying to get rid of them, clean the stuff they spoiled and make my kitchen relatively ant-proof. Even after keeping my place squeaky clean, doing my unique custom-designed ant-pest-control even in the middle of the nights and making neatness my top priority, time and again, they still manage to deliver their show-stopping performances. And every time this happens, I feel that a little more of my self-confidence is brutally stripped off.

After all this while of Guerrilla warfare, we have now come to a point where we sort of ignore each other till the time the other party is not being particularly nasty. When any of the parties crosses the line, we take action. Immediate solid action. When they start spoiling my stuff, I unleash the devil within and send 'Hit' shots on their way. Sometimes "water and wiper"becomes the artillery, sometimes 'Lakshman-rekha' does. Then, they clearly understand that they have broken some unwritten code; that they are now prohibited and unwelcome. And being the self-respecting creatures they are, they back off, at least for the time being.

There is a silver lining here though. Ants inspire. When you may look closely, look above yourself and see them, you find them constantly working. They energize you with their energy, team work, sportsmanship and high spirits. They stay in groups and work together. They make hay while the sun shines and save aplenty for the rainy day.

And this is why, they lose this award.

*******

Mosquitoes - My ONLY thought when I think about them: What was God thinking when he created mosquitoes? Why did he create them?

Why? Why? WHY?

Now picture this: You had a great day at work; deliverables after deliverables. There was a Go Live, and you managed to put everything in line right at the time of project delivery. The client is super happy with your work, has sent you a handcrafted appreciation mail. Your boss has announced your next promotion, owing to this, and your team is partying harder now after the long day of hard work is over. There is good food, and you are with your good friends. You are doing the job you love, and excelling at it. Life is great. You are, needless to say, on top of the world.

You come home a bit late, all happy and gung-ho. Take a nice hot shower and now, all you can think of is to hit the sack, so that you get your much required beauty sleep that can revitalize you with all the energy you need for the next productive day.

And just as you switch off the lights, and your head rests on the pillow, from unknown places in the darkness emerge these tiny needle-like creatures that buzz in supersonic frequencies right inside your ears. This incessant busszzzsssszzzzzing sound easily penetrates to the deepest farthest corners of your head and semi-awareness and give you the jolt of a lifetime. And if that was not enough, immediately next comes the sting, THAT sting which could in a matter of minutes make you land inside a hospital for a stay. You wake up giving a sonorous punch to your own ears, land deathly blows on your own body (though all in vain) and may even give yourself a couple of coruscating slaps that make you realize how powerful you really are.

And then comes the question, what did I do to deserve This?

All the achievements of daytime go down the drain in a flash. And all you are left with is the vain effort of fighting a losing battle, every time, with these mosquitoes.

Just like the big mainframe computers that occupied whole rooms gave way to the smaller, sleeker iPads, I guess the mosquitoes are also the smaller, sleeker version of 'Vampires'.

I wanna suck yo' blood and yo' life outta yo', Sucka!

The mosquitoes seem to have gained the most with Evolution.   They have become leaner and meaner. Now they are almost invisible to the naked eye and so agile that even imagining to smash the existence out of them with your claps is so obsolete. If you burn some of those mosquito-repellant sticks or mats, you may end up falling unconscious before you know, given their horrid smells and their awfully detrimental effects on your respiratory system. They are totally resistant to all the repellants - natural or not, and showcase their moronic daredevilry by sitting right on top of the switched-ON repellant devices.  And if you really disturb them with your tenacity for going after their lives, they have probably loaned this expertise from Bats, where now they can hang themselves upside down from the ceilings. Ha! Catch Me If You Can!

There are still, in the present times, some things you can do to save yourself from these demons. I say 'present times', because one can only imagine to what levels are they capable of 'evolving' themselves. You could mesh net all your windows and doors, so that they cannot enter your house in the first place. You could wear full clothes, and Odomas. You could burn essential oils, which are thankfully pleasant and not hazardous. Still if all these fail, go for the kill with the Electric Rackets and bust their bums off with electric shocks. When the going gets tough, the tough get going!

The mosquitoes drive you nuts mostly only during the nights and in some particular seasons. And so, you can think of some respite. Which is why, they also lose this award.

*******

So Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for the One and Only, solidly deserved, winner of the MeghnaSays... Irritant Of The Year Award which goes to

Pigeons

I don't know how to start, I am so overwhelmed right now, my brains may burst anytime! 

They are the worst nightmare of my life. 

Why is there no superlative for Worst...???

With pigeons - there is just no option. Heard of 'Helplessness'? They taught what it means to an eternal optimist like me. 

You shoo them away and in like less than 5 seconds they will be back. To the same place, to do the same thing - Nothing. No self respect at all. 

Dumbest. Creatures. Ever. One was exceedingly dumb to lay eggs in my washing machine..!! Seriously, how lazy can you be! Go build your nest you moron!

They have no work to do. Idle throughout the day, only sitting and pooping, I wonder when and what do they eat to produce so much of that horrible colored poop which stinks like a disproportionate mixture of vomit, industry waste and shite. 

50 shades of grey and none worth looking at - that with Red eyes ?! Why would any of the Heaven's artists combine rainbow hues on the neck with grey in the first place? They are just not good to look at. Okay, that is something beyond themselves. That's how God made them. 

But they make horrible sounds...as if they have been tormented since ages and still are. All they do is grunt. Unlike twitter birds, or house sparrows who are such angels, they come, chirp, do a little dance and fly away. No doubts good things come in small packages.

God must have been in a real. bad. mood. to come up with something like them, that they got neither the looks nor the voice, nor the brain. Zilch.

No good looks, no good voice, no good deeds. How to pull yourself together! How! HOW!

I mean, come on, even crows unknowingly do their part of charity when they help hatch the cuckoo's eggs. And the cuckoo, crooked as it may be, at least has a sweet voice. That friggin' Siren!

The only occupation of pigeons - to suddenly flap phat-phat-phat and emerge out of nowhere over to the top of your head, scare every bit and piece out of you, and then go nowhere; just land a few centimetres away, for no specific reason whatsoever. 

There is anyway nothing much they can do with those obese un-aerodynamic bodies. And wherever they land, they have to oust their brother or sister or cousin or friend or girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever that is sitting there. Just trot after it and climb on it and just basically bug it so much that it leaves that place. And the other one is even dumber to go away. Such a waste of life. If only they could learn to do something valuable with their lives - follow their bliss maybe. Just like Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

To make matters worse, they are Omnipresent. They are just everywhere. No wonder they are called the "coackroaches of birds". Dirty and pathogenic. In the city skyline, you see remarkable buildings, shining away in glory on a bright sunny day, and suddenly, as you inch closer, you notice 50 shades of grey and another 20 of green, white and brown in a stinky skanky trail over the glass windows! 

I have been having more than my fair share of Nightmares about them (Please notice I used a Capital N). Someday when I have a nice lush property, with manicured gardens and a bunch a sedans, they attack and take over everything, poop over my house and garden and cars and everywhere and fill the air with their grunting and stink. One of them even came dressed hideously as a bride in a white gown and was trying to seduce Mr. Husband and take him away. Oh the horror!

Even as I compose this post, they are barely a few feet away, grinding my composure to dust with that grotesque grunting, and breaking my concentration every couple of minutes as I have to  get up to shoo and shaa and shhhh them. And I think now they recognize me, my voice, maybe even my silhouette, for now, they resist flying away every time they see me. They just shift a little back on the window sill and give me that steely stare with those loathsome red eyes, head cocked to one side and then to the other, as if taking that long good look at me and telling themselves, "There You are again" and "We will see You."

Using expletives for them is a sincere insult to expletives.

Sometimes the only thing in my wish list is a Lipstick Taser. Or a shotgun, and the license to use it.

The best thing about them, they are so good at this nothingness, that they left me no choice to select anyone else for this award. You love to hate them and hate to love them. I realize that this is the first and hopefully the only post with so many negative adjectives.

Be thy work, great or small, do it well, or not at all. Thus the Winner...!!!